Are you tired of disrespectful talk from your kids? Do your children respond with eye-rolling and sarcasm to everything you say? Most—if not all—kids go through phases when they are sassy, mouthy, or disrespectful. As a parent, it’s hard to know when to let it slide—and when to address the problem. James Lehman explains where to draw the line—and tells you how you can manage sassy talk in your home.
Parents often ask me, “How do you differentiate between disrespectful, sassy or ‘fresh’ language and abusive language?” I believe these behaviors are found on a continuum—let’s call it the “Inappropriate Verbal Response Continuum.” They are triggered by your child’s emotions: primarily frustration, anger and a need to get back at others when he thinks something is unfair. On one end of the continuum is abuse. The intent of abusive language is generally a personal attack upon another person. It’s meant to hurt the other person and make them feel small and afraid. Verbal abuse often includes foul language and disturbing threats of violence designed to intimidate the other person to get them to give in.
Why do kids talk to adults in disrespectful ways? I believe children and teens do a lot of things because they don't know how to express emotions appropriately. They learn a lot from watching other kids and people around them. If your daughter is frustrated and doesn't know how to show it, and she sees somebody else roll their eyes and make a face, she’ll absorb that lesson without even thinking about it. Then the next time she’s frustrated at home, she’ll roll her eyes and make a face at you. If she gets a reaction, that will often just reinforce the behavior, because she knows she’s gotten to you. Don’t kid yourself: if you threaten your child by saying, “Don't do that to me, young lady, or you'll be grounded,” that will only make her do it more.
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Kids at any age may copy a communication style they hear regularly, but if you use sarcasm frequently your child may be even more inclined to follow suit. "He may not understand the impact of his words on others, so you have to set an example," says Fran Walfish, Psy.D., author of The Self-Aware Parent. For instance, if you complain about a messy room by saying, "I see you picked up like I asked," you are modeling a tone you don't want him to imitate. Instead, be direct by saying, "I'm upset that I asked you to clean your room and you didn't." Also beware of sarcasm that you point at yourself. If you've been known to say, "Another fabulous dinner by Mom," after burning the chicken, don't be shocked if your child makes the same announcement next time.
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My friend's 6-year-old daughter, Caitlyn, was at her BFF's house, and she began to whine about the board game they were playing. The other girl's mom jumped in and told her, "That's not how we talk to each other in this family." Caitlyn immediately shut down and said that she wanted to go home.
No one likes to be criticized, but negative feedback can be particularly difficult for 5- and 6-year-olds. Even if the criticism seems constructive, your child may lash out, blame someone else, or withdraw, depending on the situation. However, you can help her understand its true purpose: to learn about her strengths and weaknesses and work to change her shortcomings because this will help her become a successful adult, saysParents advisor Jenn Berman, Psy.D., author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. These scenarios will give you pointers to steer her in the right direction.
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